there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
