never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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