i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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