i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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