cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
