my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pants are for mortals
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
