I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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