using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
