I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
