Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
