someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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