you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
