Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
ttyl tear gas
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
