Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
