God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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