How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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