I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
