She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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