Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
