I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
