just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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