apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
