9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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