i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
