She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
