Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
