I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
