she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
