I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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