I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I licked your asshole in confidence.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
