I just threw up on my dentist
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
