I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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