got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
