My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
