You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
