____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
