I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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