Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
