My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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