Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
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