fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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