i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
