Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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