My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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