is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
