Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
