What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
