apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
