I hate your face
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Welp...herpes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
