Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
